I went through hell and back overcoming the pain and memories I shared with him, only to find myself back at the moment it all started. I was just trying to stay afloat. No one gave me a map for the road less traveled.
There’s a part of me that really does know how to let go of things, and I just need to let her out a little… That another part of me… that another girl, that lives deep inside me… would once in a while cuts loose and does things that would blow some peoples’ minds. But if you ever mention her, or anything she might have done, to another person, I will completely deny knowing anything about her. How did I go from turning the corner of possibility to being nothing at all? I don’t know why… I don’t want an explanation because I deserve it. I guess something shifted. After I lost someone that I used to love… something was lost. I thought – maybe the part of me that was still hopeful thought I would just be on hold. And then, the path I was on that seemed like such a great idea when I started it… suddenly it didn’t make sense anymore.
The more I tried to stick to my routine, the harder it was to breathe. I just kept running into faces that were waiting for me to get better. Even though my world has been turned upside-down, I still manage to smile way more than I frown. Because even though things didn’t exactly work out on me, I somehow knew that there would always be room for me in that great big heart of whoever-he-will-be. Because even though I’m this intensely neurotic head-case who never quite found her place stable in someone else’s arms, I always manage to make me feel good about myself… which, given my self-loathing nature, is no small task.
Truth is I quickly saw the error of my ways and proceeded to hurl myself in somewhat embarrassing fashion. I know that it’s not wise to make major life decisions based on someone else because those decisions have real consequences… But what can I do I hate relationships because of the lack of them.
Once upon a time, I promised to show this special guy the world. But what happened instead was we discovered it together. And I’m really glad it worked out that way. So whoever you are, if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that you’re the one person who’s always been there for me. And if you’ll let me, I’ll be happy to return the favor again. But sadly, for the first time in forever, you and me… it seemed so impossible… and it scares me that maybe we will never will. I wish there was something I could take for that. Some kind of pill that made me stops hoping for something that probably isn’t even good for me to begin with… I’m here for you… now, forever and every day in between.
“I think it’s time I let him go.” I’ve been saying this for a lot of hundred days already and that is so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with him for the rest of my life. But the daydreaming, the running in place, it’s not healthy for me. I will always love with him, even more than he realize it. But it doesn’t mean that I won’t fall for someone again. That I won’t kiss with my eyes closed again…
I certainly don’t want anyone changing their life for me. But I’m waiting for that someone I can call… “My very own kryptonite”… I’m waiting to be someone’s everything….
I’m scared I’m never going to fall again. And now I’m trapped. I can’t wipe the slate clean and pretend to be someone new because everyone here already knows me.