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ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN MARCH 04,2011

Coming off from a frustrating emotional breakdown will make you plead for sleep to be your best friend, and when it comes, you will realize that it won’t suffice, and it will just drown you deeper and will left you still sad…

When I was moving on with what I thought to be my one gorgeous love, I did what a typical heartbroken girl do, test the water if she has finally let go of everything that she felt from him.  Initially, I dismissed the thought of wanting to see him, because I was scared that all those coping skills I did will be left futile and wasted.  But I’m naturally stubborn, so I did try and see him, and when we part ways, it hit me that I still hate to see him go. 

So, I decided to wait… I made a gamble with time, and when I was so sure that I’m ready to face again, I did what a typical moving on girl do… I saw him again, but this time when we part, I waved my hand and look at him while I was saying goodbye… at that moment I knew that he will always have a special place in my heart, but he doesn’t have my heart anymore.

The first person I ever loved didn’t leave any memories for me to relive, and the irony of it was I’ve spent a lot of years with him.  Maybe I did have joyous and worth remembering moments with him but I guess pain can erase everything. 

There’s only one memory that I remember of him, and that memory answered my long running question on why it’s so hard for me to let go of someone when I’ve became attached to him.  We were walking one rainy night down the street, we were happy talking about what happened at school.  He was ahead of me so he wasn’t able to catch me when my left foot fell on a hole.  I was so mad at him thinking I might have bruised my leg, and he was laughing because he can’t understand why I tripped on a small hole like that.  I told him he’s supposed to be my eyes because I can’t even read a street sign when it’s at night.  I was so furious, I threw a lot of buried arguments that we had before, and then he said “I’m not going to be always around you so you have to protect yourself too”… that instant, I knew he will not be in my tomorrow, and just as I realized, a few years later I got my first love set back.

It took quite a while for me to finally declare that I’m freed from that agonizing thought that I loved and lost it…twice… and maybe the reason why is because I got confused on who I am supposed to moved on. 

I was careful when I let my once wounded heart be awakened from its hiatus, or so I thought, what I was not prepared was when I let it feel the bliss again… it will also feel the pain…

The thing is when I had my first emotional grief, I was able to cope up because someone stayed by my side until I can be on my own, and I’m always grateful for that.  But what I had with him I know will eventually fall apart. I know it will cause me more sleepless nights, and I know it will dry my eyes until I can no longer cry… and this time I have to pick myself alone…

I endured that painstaking romance hibernation.  I was addicted with doses of romantic Korean pills that were video induced, Luke Skywalker became my companion, and basketball courts became my happiest place.  I might have an unstable childhood that’s why I coped like that, but I was able to reach the other side of the bridge…on my own.

I became unfamiliar to love initiated emotions… I was oblivious of how pleasant it feels to be in someone’s arms.  I built a protective bubble around myself, a firewall so strong that won’t make me compromise my belief that I should not fall for someone again. 

But when I least expected it, and when I not even prayed for it… I took a risk, and until now I’m unsure if it was worth it.  It took me 3 years to cure my inability to love, and I trusted someone not to waste it…

They say that people pass through stages when they experience excruciating loss… Well I do.  I cry… I read… I watch movie… I scream at basketball games…I write… and then I sleep.  I don’t know if that’s what most people do, but it’s what liberates me from that hateful twinge of letting myself fall for something that is not good to begin with.

That’s always the question that is left unanswered, how do you know when you have to let it go?  And that’s not my favorite question either… Becoming attached to someone is putting yourself to the uncertainty of who’s willing to give more between the two of you for the relationship to jumpstart… and if it’s you who will take the chance… be prepared for the outcome.

I was not asking for a knight to rescue me, because I’m pretty sure that I’m a distressing damsel whose emotions are scattered all over.  I fell in love with love… and that’s causing me to always justifying things that my heart denies but my mind understands…

  

2 Comments

  1. Everything you just said in that post was true… But that’s life i guess…


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