Originally written January 10, 2010
Being on this fortuitous limbo, makes me appreciate my friends, make bigger plans for my parents, and set goals to be done by myself.
My new year so far is a mixture of anxiety, bliss and expectations… I wrapped up my last year with an extreme disappointment on people who should have not let me down in the first place. I was hopeful it will be reversed, and so far I’m still waiting for that ray of sunshine.
It always amuses me how people just can’t understand. Sometimes, being the person who understands better, and who has no choice but to give way and comprehend it, is not really the nicest thing to do. This follows on how I deal with every aspect of my life… career, family, friends, work and even love.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being overly nice, that’s why people tend to overlook that I’m not that strong as it seems… Had I been so independent that even people who are suppose to know me well don’t know when they are already crossing the line of things they should not say to me?
I make no apologies on how I live my life. In general, there is nothing that I should be ashamed of. I don’t want to burden anyone with my life. I was always like that, I don’t want to rely on someone for things that I can do on my own. If there’s anything that I’ve learned from the past, it would be to not get to a point where I am ashamed of what I am doing. I know that being reactive will not bring out what I am capable of as an individual.
I’m not a fan of accepting apology, technically it’s a decent thing to do if you have hurt someone’s feeling, but I prefer hearing “In the future, I will never do it to you”, than “I’m sorry”. I don’t know but I treat “sorry” as a scapegoat chocolate that will ease the pain momentarily but at the end of the day, the sweetness will fade, but the pain remains there, and only time can heal it.
The more alarming part here is when you don’t recognize at all when you have caused pain to someone or you are in denial that you are capable of doing that. You don’t get to pass on your angst and retract realities just to please you. You’ll surely get hurt accepting the fact that you were wrong, but it will not make you a less person by doing so, instead you’ll learn from it, and it will liberate you from that drowning feeling of agony and self loathing.
I know I’m so lucky to have the friends I have right now. They are like my siblings from different parents, and they are even closer to me than my own brothers and sister. My friends are very doting, understanding, and never failing to cheer me up. What’s best is they were with me through the rough times so even without saying anything, they feel and understands the reasons whenever I cry.
Even if I’m sober or not, they will be there for me, listening to stories, hating what I hate, loving what I love… and so returning that favor to them is clearly something that I always prioritize.
Now going to the hardest part of this melodramatic nuisance…
I was really meaning to fall for him, I might have really been into him already, but I was holding back, because I was afraid that if I cross that line I put around myself, I might end up losing to love again.
I have been suffering to this long running inability to be emotionally attached to someone. It’s something that didn’t help me a bit because I keep rejecting the idea that someone can still make me believe in love again. So when he came I was caught off guard, he was like a ray of sunshine to me… he was more than destiny…
For the first time in the last 3 years, my world was moved again, strangely, he’s someone I can’t be with physically, but he affected me in a way that is so addictive and drowning.
Wo ai. I love to a fault. I love and I tend to cry because of it. But I still would want to. I still would want to love, to feel the bliss, to hate the pain, and to feel that mixed emotion you can get when you love someone.
I want him to know that I was on the verge of finally freeing myself to what has been keeping me lonely all this time, but I’m scared of pushing it, because if he takes a step forward, I’m not sure if I’m really ready to take his hand.
Me and my sporadic personality sometimes is not helping me. I hate it when I’m trying to justify things and not doing what my heart really wants.
I need to be freed on this “yin-yang” limbo… It has to be sooner…