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I used to like periwinkles when I was a little girl. If I don’t want to attend Sunday’s school when I was in Primary class at church, I would go to the garden and look at the periwinkles.

Periwinkles remind me of a blooming love, something that I’ve been failing to feel for the longest time now. At first, I thought it would be because I never had the chance to get a closure and that I may still be in pain for the previous relationships I had, but lately I’ve realized that it’s not about those things, but more of me not really feeling that fleeting rush of excitement to the guys I’m dating.

When you lost someone who has been important to you, and who has made you comfortable for a long time, you would inevitably miss him when you are alone. You would want to put the blame not on yourself but on the choice that you made which led you to let go of that important person in your life, but you will get through it, and when you look back, when you visit his friendster page or got a text message from him, you won’t even flinch if you see and find him happy with another girl, because you’ve come to accept that when you lost him, no matter how important he was, you never regret moving on with your life.

It was the same thing that happened to me. Sometimes when I’m alone in a breezy afternoon, while I keep myself busy writing things, I will see visions of him, something that happened only in films, but yes it does happen… Part of me want to relive those moments, and when I’m on it, it does not make me complete and happy anymore like it used to.

Moving on is not an overnight decision that I kept to myself, I struggled, I hurt some guys in the process, but I was always honest with my options, and that made me sleep well at night. There were even times were I got confused with what I’m really getting through my life… If it was the guy or the pain.. or maybe both… But the thing is, it’s never the guy that I can’t get over with, it will be the things that he did for me.

Seriously, I can’t remember anymore the feeling when I last kiss that someone whom for a few days made me feel like I really have butterflies in my tummy…I also can’t remember when was the last time I felt safe in someone’s arms… and it’s tough… because now, I think I’m close to forgetting, how it feels to be in love… *wink


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